| Life |
[20 Aug 2009|02:12am] |
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mood |
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i came to realised how short and vulnerable our life can be.
one sec you can be having fun with someone, the next sec you knw, that person is died.
they can be gone just like that.
many times, we regret only after we lost someone, something special.
why didnt anyone treasure what they have when they have them?
what makes human think it's normal for people to die?
it's the cycle... life cycle.
it goes round and round and roundd..
the fear of ppl dying is suffocating me!!
i have this fear.
tt i might lose my parents. and i have to live with my sisters. the main point is not living with them hurt.
but not living with my parents.
like many normal and healthy family... my parents meant EVERYTHING to me.
i cant live a day without them. a day without them is either hunger, sleeplessness, lehchek-ness everything baddd
they are my EVERYTHING! normal...
i understand, as i grow up and grow old.... my parents will too!
they arent young anymore!! both of them are 50+
that explains why my sisters are 30+ alreadyy!
my sis told me, my mum asked her to take control over my life.
as much as i hate it... she IS taking over.
but why not my mumm?? i have no ideaa!
wat my sis said while fighting just now was kinda true..
i cant control ANYTHING. not even the time. i can only do the best NOW and if i'm lucky, i enjoy in the future.
i cant control anything.
not even whether im sick, what diseases i have etcc..
true enough.... i guess though i am not those unlucky kids with really serious sicknesses.. i had enough in my life to make me sad and cry for days. from birth, heart murmur. den lazy eyes. den bad hearings. den some ovary disease. den some bad skin. just enough.
my whole life is screwed. from the day i am born! :(
i was saying. while fighting. no one dote on me. even the one who dotes on me passed away. where can i find love here?
indeed. where? it's just.... heart-squeezing-pain! people who loved me.......
i just don get it. why do people just go like this. why their gods dont sympathizeee. my uncle.. he never had a good life.. why did the god he worshipped let him leave us just like this. he has not even gotten marriedd. my heart is aching. really badly..
sometimess i just wish/hope/dream that i have this special someone. my special friend special partner special human who can give me a nice hug whenever i need themm.. and a nice and tight one. those never let me go feelingg!
how i dream for one..
i had one. before. it was. nice. but short. she hugged me FULLY and i really appreciated that.
she's Fifi. her hug makes me smile. she makes me feel that i am not alone. i want those hugs. :((
a journey ahead of me. long enough for me to cry to flood sgp river.
if i continue to be like this.. i will flood the whole world soon.
sometimes... i just want to knw, i am not alone.
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| blue or red |
[19 Aug 2009|02:29am] |
complications...
many things add up together and things will just get complicated.
what makes your life complicated?
i guess. no one's life is NOT complicated. no one.
even a simple class test makes ur life complicated. if you are top in class. you are the 'enemy' of most of your classmates.
complicated life we are living ehhhh~~
nth much to say.. not feeling 'creative' today! LMAO!
shall enjoy my chat with my lover! :D
had great time with you today my love! :))))))))))))))
more pleaseeeeeee :DDD thankssss! maybe after examssss! :D
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| prejudiceee |
[17 Aug 2009|02:54am] |
i cant believe it.
am actually perfectly fine and good when i didnt go!
don ask me why! it's like a burden being put down! great feeling!!
hope this feeling continues!
did they ill-treat me when i'm there? did i not enjoy myself when i'm there? is it really a burden for me to just go there and all?
sighh. i guess, the pressure were all on me. i just cant take it. maybe the pressure were there because i tot it was there. i gave myself that pressure. but hey, there must be smt else which lead me to pressure myself right!!
i alway have to watch out for everything. if i say one wrong thing, i can go into depression for a whole day. and i have to be an example.
frankly speaking, jooyu cant be an example. she will only lead you bad! never follow her!! i just feel this "pressure" in my heart. that i have to be PERFECT! or i will be rejected. everyone, everything seem so perfect there. it's just not for jooyu.
she tried to make as little mistakes as she can but at the end of the day, jooyu is still jooyu. you cant wipe the spots out from a leopard can you?
thousand times i failed, i learn and learn, i tried and tried. but always, i gave myself up.
many ppl dont understand. why i choose this way. reason being, i want to show myself, i'm not useless, i can do all these. but ppl around me kept pushing me down. every push, it's getting harder to walk up again! it's getting tiring too!
for now, i gave up fighting, i gave up trying.
it seems as though i am sucha loser. but seriously, i had been fighting, trying, changing for 3 long years now, and i am still being pushed. it's getting harder and harder and harder every time. don get me wrong, i'm NOT saying 3 years is a LONG period of time. but just try to understand, it's long enough to make me give up!
the first year, everything seem ok! i was who i was. sucha pain in the ass. and even the "HOT GOSSIP". now, listen, dont try to deny by saying it's not true. i have friends, they do tell me things which you dont think they did!!
i will never forget!! "hamburger face"?!?!?! DAMN! WHAT I DID WRONG TO YOU TT YOU HAVE TO CALL ME THAT?! or is it "DOUBLE CHIN" you called me. you gna say, you were young then? OH! but why do you even have to say that of me in the first place. i did no harm to you! and fleeing when you see my coming?! thanks alot for letting me see your true colors. seriously... showing my friendster account to everyone?!?!? and laughing your asses off?!?! really, thanks alot!! i reallly understand and see how you are! THAT IS THE REASON WHY I DIDNT TRUSTED YOU NOW!!! how to trust? you were my friend, but yet. you mocked at me, ridiculed me! i had enoughhh! i seriously don get it!! what have i doneee!
now, you are telling me, all of you are trusting me, believing in me. how am i suppose to believe you??
many times, and is MANY times, i asked myself, "are you all laughing at me now??"
wat leads to tt!! the IMPACT you did on me 3 years ago!! it's unchangeable!! yea!! i'm serious!
and how u rather let other do "some things" den me. tt already clearly showed, you are a lil prejudice against me! what else you wna deny??
i once loved you, admired you, adored you, respected you, but now, i guess you are no longer worth my respect.
up to today, many times, i cried because of you...
will you ever knw? i guess not. because of it, i blamed myself for not being a guy. i blamed myself for being sucha pain. i blamed myself if anything went wrong. do you even knw about it? i cried myself to bed every night fearing to lose you guys. every night. now, JUST BECAUSE i said i'm giving up, you ignored me totally.. yes i understand you have got MANY things to do.
what about me? do you even look at me for a sec? think of me? the sacrifices i made are not for ppl to be proud of me or even reward me. i don need it. BUT, at least, take a look at me! will you?
i look at R, yes, potential. everyone loves him. everyone adores him. he's doing EVERYTHING. i look at W, he's doing so many things now. he's the head of blah blah blah. i look at K, why does he have so much attention? i look at M, why does everyone like him when he's so scary? i look at S, now tell me, why he got everything and i got nothing? he's stressed, SO AM I! he cant go for a period of time due to his studies of watsoever, SO AM I! but why he has got MORE attention den me! night amazing race blah blah! but i understand, he's a guy. you are all guys. i'm the only girl.
but cant you BRING me along too?
trust me, you will NEVER knw how jealous i was. vit c tablets when they are tired? cool things. many things. i cant recall anything i got. ok maybe a sms. make this clear, i'm not materialistic, BUT just look at the difference!!! HOW CAN THEY NOT LOVE YOU BACK AND GROW TO BE BETTER?
this is another tihng which will ALWAYS be on my heart.
i AM a jealous being, and i will not care if you were to comment tt i'm sucha jealous woman!!
DURING MY O LEVEL YEAR! i will NEVER EVER forget. i was grounded. yea. but i still go for tuition and all, so i will see you guys.
so wind blow the news to me that every o level studnet got a bottle of vit c tablets to boost them! and so many encouraging notes.. WHAT ABOUT ME!! I GOT NOTHING... NOTHING... AND NOTHINGG!!
this is not just me being really jealous. but from all my situations, it's on purpose to MAKE me jealoous!
so what can i say? or do? idkk! seriouslyyy!
nope, i knw i'm not pretty like 'S'. i knw!! so dont need despise me like this.
i guess humans ARE humans afterall.
my last words.
i'm utterly disappointed. i just hope, if i were to make the decision to go back, things will not be the same.
i will not be left out. thanks.
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[16 Aug 2009|03:33am] |
often, there are so many things in life we want to conquer.
many people in life we want to satisfy!
does it ever cross your mind that you cant actually conquer everything in life and you cant satisfy every single being?
it gets really tiring if you fail from one point down and another point down again.
lack of moral supports really matters alot!! not to say, lack of moral support from your friends when they mean a BIG DEAL to you!
best friends? what makes your best friend your best friend?
not many think of this... maybe they did. they would probably say "they are nice to me", "they understand me", "we grew up together!', "we went through alot of things together!". tys answers they are.
who are my best friends? i believe alot on fate. if you are my friend, and we had got things in common, i believe we can be best buds!
many of my friends whom they think are my normal friends, i actually deem them as my bestie. i would call them for help if i were to need one. and i trusted them with all my heart.
and sad to say, for many times, it's they themselves don treasure me and did me bad. dont misunderstood. not literally... they would tell each other my bad habits etc. arent friends there to support one another?
i will NEVER ever forget ONE of my friend who were rude towards me(everyone knws i hated rude ppl!) and WORST told someone else that she is SCARED of me. never ever in my life will i forget. maybe i should thank her instead. for letting me see how REAL humans can get some times!
and please please don't get me wrong, i am not trying to make people see that i wont forgive and forget! but it's just too much at times, when people treated you like this!! it's just too muchhh! seriouslyyy! they call you best friend/good friend but told everyone else behind you tt they are scared of you?
i do not need sucha friend. tyvm.
ok im really tired for today! shall continue tmr.
hoping tt bitch will let me go out tmr! *cross fingers*
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[15 Aug 2009|03:16pm] |
i'm gna repeat it again!
ME, FENG JOO YU, HATES MY SISTER, JAZZ FENG JOO YA!
damn she is sucha a bitch! like seriouslyy!!
she said i could go out this weekends, but in the end, she locked me up! fucker sia!
seriouslyy! she is sucha a fucking big bullyyy! KNN!
she's so annoying that the other day, after i saw the doc, she asked me "you sick ah? got fever?"
NNB ME TOT SHE'S BEING CARING AND NICE, GUESS WHAT TT SUCKER SAID AFTER TT!
"can you like wear a mask? do you knw tt flu now is 50-50 H1N1? SPREAD TO ME HOW!"
walao! do you knw how angry i was?! fucker!! and i was thinkiing at the back of my head, your sister is sick, and all you cared about was YOURSELF YOURSELF AND YOURSELF!
do you even put others in your fucked-up pair of eyes? damnnnnnnnnn!
i seriously am cursing you noww! damnnnnnn!!
oh and! she carrys this dettol spray where ever she goes....
and places i had been before, before she crosses, she SPRAYS. WTF! likee i'm some aids or watever patients!
i seriously feel like pushing her down the stairs!! FUCKED-UP XIA!
what kind of sister is this?
cindy told me she's having depression! FUCK HER DEPRESSION! her depression is bringing depression to others! fucker!!!
so old already must as well don give birth luhh! walao! one not enough mehhh! wan so many for wat! too much money right, dono where to spend them on right!! knn! should just burn her in hell! seriouslyyyyy!
i had enough of her! stingy and fucked up being! burn her in hell please!!
damn annoyingg!!
lemme assure you, if i were to ever turn bad, it's not because of who i hung out with, but who i LIVED with!!! damnnn!
my only reason of turning vulgar and all is you mother fucking JAZZ FENG!
byeee!
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| sexaye goddess's voice! |
[13 Aug 2009|10:43pm] |
我我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了我生病了生病了
我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了我把药吐出来了
ahhhh! my doc was being EXTREMELY bored just now.. hahaha!
"jooyu ahhhh! got fever not!!" "*coughcough*idkk!!*coughcough*"
doc used the forehead thermometer thingy. den he looked at me and smile.
"jooyu! you are having fever. so much so that the thermometer is screaming!"
HAHAHAHAHA! ok! tt's my own family doc! haha! i didnt go polyclinic today CAUSE i am REALLY REALLY sick! LOLL!
pay still nt in yet! DAMNNNN! ><
i am gg to SCUBA DIVE soooooooon! :D (provided mummy payss!) haha!
with aaron stupid bear!!!
it's really cool!! 1 theory, 1 practical and 3days 2nights at either tioman or pulau aur!! :D hahaha!
it'f freaking expensivee! yes i knww! zzz but i really want to! it's my dream yo! :D
apparently i want to do alot of things in life! HHAHHAHH!
monday's IADP test i better DO WELL! abo sure fail IADP!
next sem can say HELLO to me again! LOLLLL!
jooyu, jiayouu k! :)
head is spinning right round right round! AHHHH!
time for beddd! :DD
soon i will be well! :DDD
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| my anti-drug is Jooyu! |
[13 Aug 2009|12:04am] |
HAHA! i'm highly crazy today!! HAHAHAHA!
i just did smt really stupid on the internet! HAHA! i sent a prtsc to evryone i was talking then.
all their replies were in 3s! HAHAHA!
lil` miss bobdog happiness is not ard the vincinity. says: ...
(#)Joey(#)is tired... says: zzz
marie says: LOL -.-
HappyCinDy says: huh
hahaha!
and the prtsc i sent them wasssss!! *drumrollssssssssssss*
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HAHAHAHAH! i just cant stop laughignngngngng! OMGGGGGG! i'm gg crazyyyyyy!!!!
lalalala~~!
ok and i had so much fun todayy! idkk whyy! hahahaha! lala! i'm gg crazy alreadyyyyy!
special thanks to junyi mucheng and chunlin gege for helping us with our project todayyyyy! :)))) tyvmmmm :D
despite me the noisy one, you all were patient! :D XIE XIEEE!!
and sathiya for staying and do project with me! HAHAHAHA! and screaming and gg siao with me!! saboing ppl etc etc! HAHA!
OHH ONE LAST NOTE!
go to http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2863261&id=519156371
and click "LIKE" at the bottom of the photo!! TYVMM! AHHAHA! they are my niecess! :))
do support us for milk powder moneyy! HAHAHA!
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[11 Aug 2009|10:57pm] |
i hate blocked nose!! DAMN! it sucksss!
this feeling suckkkks!!
flu medicineeee i will swallow 2 of you down before i sleep! double dose of everything tonighttt!!
changed OOP test to thursday. stupid fever.
i got a f-ed up sister here.
she's sucha bitch. seriously!
conversation went like this....
s for sis and j for jooyu.
s : why are you late? saturday don go out!
j : shudduppp~~~~! *followed by weird noise*
s : stop doing that!!! OK! no allowance for tmr!
j : like as if you gave me allowance like that~~
s : today that $10 note on the table not money huh!
j : PLEASE LUHH HUH! you gave me $20 ONLY for a FRIGGING FOURTEEN DAYSS! what difference does tt make when you say you dont give me allowance??
s : FINE! from now on, no more allowance for you!
j : *making even more weird noise and gave her a whatever face* dont give dont give luhhh walao!
s : i will tell daddy not to give you either!
j : *if it's my dad, he will deifinitely give me! thinking at the back of my head, if i were to tell my mum... she can bid goodbye to summer!*
ohh! and my dad called me just now!
"BEE AHHH! 姐姐有没有给你钱？"
my first answer was "MEI YOU LUHHH!!"
so my dad told me he left some money for me at homeee! haha! i haven search for them yet. wait till sis sleep first!
abo she's gna take everything away againnn!
i am feeling really terrible noww! :((
peeled lips, runny nose, ringing ears, terrible headache, slight dizzy spell and churning stomach.
don ask me why i never see doc when im sick.
the reason is clear. I GOT NO MONEYYYY!!
if a $10 can let me survive for 7days. i'm sure there's no change to let me see a doctor.
beside tt, i'm doing really oh not very well in school. zzz.
project screw it!!! exams! haven study luhh! teachers? they suck big time!
tmr IADP presentation. thursday OOP test and IADP retest revision. follwoing monday the most jialat module's test. IADP! ><
next will be all examssss!! :(((
screw my life.. seriouslyyyy!!
this friday, swimming with the cliquess! :)) my lovers.
and maybe gg for massage after tt? provided jooyu got moneyyy! hahah!!
meeting my dearest hilary fu up!! :) for my itouchh!:)))
and studying with another foo!! yangyang at khatib!! it's gna be coool! :)
just cant wait to hang out with every single one of themm!
and fuck my sis. she's seriously getting up my fucking nervesss.
she just fucking off the damn modem therefore i have no internet and therefore i have to tap on other people's wirelesss! damn screwed up lei she!! i cant stand her!! not to mention her husband!! DAMNNNNNNNNNN!
cna i just fucking get a bf now and shut the fucking mouth of theirs up! nbbb!! cant stand themmmmm! they should just stay in holland luhh! sibei extra here in singapore xiaaaaa!!! they are seriously pissing me off.
so what they are earning frigging loads of money?! so what they just bought a one million bucks house and a new damn BMW! i seriously hate these friggy proud and rich ppl! they should die in hell! damnnn!!! my bro in law. wthh i came home, he diao me! mchiam i killed his daughter! DAMNNNN! just fuck himself luhh! annoying shittttt! screw them luhhh! too much about them to say here...!
OHHH! did i mention before, they picked out my clothes from the washing machine and go on washing their own clothes and refused to wash mine tgth with theirs because they say my clothes are dirty!?!?! DAMNN! these peoplee! seriously ahhh!! one day if i get crazy i will seriously screw them upside downnnnn!! SUCKERSSSS!!
p/s don irritate me now and these few days. i will seriously pick a fight with you and tackle you down if you really pissed me off my feet! better don try!
lemme make myself happy!
today's work was really good! i like the kids over there at woodlandss! i wna take over mroe classes there!!! they are so cuteeeeeee!!
5 little kids. geraldine, maybeline, samantha, benjamin and dominic!! HAHAHA! SO CUTEEE!! benjamin is the young handsome boyyy!!! *meltss* and he's pretty good at cheating too =.= so cutee. and maybeline looks alot like summer!!! haha!! speak like her too!! LOLL GERALDINE! she's really really smart! and she looks pretty much like the geraldine i knwww! Samantha cried today cause she didnt get any points for the 笔画 competition i had. haha! so cutee. and dominic is the eldest there!! and i almost vomit blood because he's seriously ARGHH! LOLL! he dono how to rearrange wordss! i don understand. it used to be my favouritess!! >< oh and one more girl. yenqing. she didnt join in the class. she sat outside the class and do her works. she just came in and ask me a few qns and let me guide her. she's smart! :) p1 if i'm not wrong!! cuteee! :) happy!! i'm gna see my own tuition kids this thursdayyy! :))))) ritchie, aanisah and huimin! aanisah is my fav student! :)) but sadly, she's moving house soon. so i might not be able to see her again:((( she's really a great student! understanding and improving alot. a better student compared to the first time i saw her and taught her. ritchie too. he's more independent in a sense he will attempt questions and learn. unlike the first few times, he will just sit there and wait for answers. huimin! she's my talking partner! :) ahaha she tell me basically everything. what's gg on in her life, home, school. the newest game in school. a cool website. what game to play (though very childish, i still play). at least she is willing to learn. niceeee!! and she talks alot. didnt make the class so boring!! :) my straight As girl! :) role model in xishan primary school!:) not bad! junior head prefect if im not wrong! hahaha!! zai right! :D
OH JUST GOT REMINDED, THEY ARE HAVING CA2 THIS WEEK!! hmmmm!! shall print more papers for themmm! hahah! :D
ok i shall go shower nowww!! before i turn rotten!!
p/s i'm damn fucking pissed RIGHT NOW!
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[10 Aug 2009|09:42pm] |
a little feel here and there.
excluded, care-less and little dose of other things.
i am feeling real lethargic now.
oh mannn!! i hate flu alot alot alot!!
terrible headache plus sore throat. can i just declare tt i gt H1N1?? i am seriously very sickk. i don feel like doing anything now. let alone, EAT!
i feel like vomitting pleasee!! ><
thanks susu for giving me panadol and water just now! LOVE YOU LUHH! haha! you rockkk!
i just cant explain what i'm feeling right now. a mixture of feelings.
lying is a normal thing for me now. not to mention vulgar languages.
nope. i'm not trying to act as though i am a bad girl. because, i AM a bad girl.
things just changed alot hasnt it?
i don feel as close anymore. no. not anymore.
jooyu isnt the same already ehh?
good girls do turn bad.
i am feeling really lost. really...
few qns bothering me.
why dont i miss it? why do i feel so strayed away? why didnt i feel it? why did i turned so cold? what is wrong with me exactly!!! :(
idk why. frankly speaking. i hate the feeling.
you dont care for me anymore. i mean nothing to you anymore. you wont even talk to me. one qns. ONE qns you asked me today. you knw how much you angered me?
another you. YOU DIDNT even frigging talk to me. nope. not to mention looking at me. you think your msg tday worked? no, it doesnt ANYMORE.! SHHHEESH! DO YOU EVEN KNW HOW MUCH I MISSED THE PAST!? no you dont. maybe now, nothing can be done eh.
i feel really out now! really!
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[09 Aug 2009|08:38pm] |
i frigging hate ppl who keep saying "sure die sure die"
they pissed me off. seriously! say once is ok. more den that, it's ignorance!! seriouslyyy!
annoying piece of shit.
enough ranting. thou shall never scold someone too much! LMAO!
i'm a playhouse disney channel fan! :D
haha! i watch it EVERYDAY! cool righththth!!
im a girly girl! haha!
me miss drill! :((
i wan do drill some of the days.
me wna go scubadive with aaron the pig!!!!
he better don ps me!! ><
my dream to scuba dive mannn! :D haha!
cant wait!! :DD
test on tues. project presentation on wed. two letters. G-G!!
><!
gambatte le lo ah feng! :)
jiayouuu!
on a side note. i think i no need to marry next time already, even before i got married, someone saw me with nothing on before!! :(
through webcam somemore. omgg!! and that guy is frigging horny please. why did i even on the webcam in the first placee!!! DAMNNNNN! and forget all about it after shower and changed right infront of the damn webcam! he caught everything liao luhh! nb.
he still said cheekily "don't worry. it's nothing". i don understand how angmos' brains work! ><!
i cant wash my sins clean now!
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[09 Aug 2009|02:19pm] |
我很累！我真的真的很想放弃这一切。
我真的已经不知所措了。
我是真的失去了所有！如果我知道今天会来，我打从一开始就不因该牺牲那么多。 我因该珍惜我所有的一切！
如果我能从新来过一次，我会把书读得更好。
不让自己有机会后悔！
现在，大家都不把我看在眼内。。
我是彻底的失败了！
不管在哪，我都失败了！家里，教堂里，学业上，什么关系 全部都失败了。
我真的做了个没用的人。
恭喜我吧！
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[08 Aug 2009|11:48pm] |
i am so tired.
should i consider studying overseas?
worried....
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| ashamed to be from CHR. |
[08 Aug 2009|07:08pm] |
rosanne showed me a STOMP article today.
it's not just a normal scam out there. young students kissing in public wearing their school uniform.
the one she showed me today is from CHRIST CHURCH SECONDARY SCHOOL!
as the years goes by, one FAMOUS, GOOD SCHOOL's NAME HAS BEEN RUINED.
a once GOOD and FAMOUS school, now has become one of the worst neighbourhood schoools.
thank to the students. seriously, i'm feeling so disgusted by these juniors actions. don't they have brain?!?!?!
the aggregate to enter CHR has dropped from a high >260 points to now, a 188 for express!!!
not bad enough?? now, there's pictures CIRCULATING in sgp's most famous website, STOMP!
now, chr, even throw the whole school into the china yellow river also cannot wash clean their name!!! *direct translations*
http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/singaporeseen/viewContent.jsp?id=81772
i cant help but feel ashamed that i was from CHR.
but then again, i am no longer from CHR. thank goodness my year was still not THAT bad! seriously!!! (Y)
i missed my school uniform more den anything nw!!
*i love my sec sch's memories! :) at least i found true friends!*
--
i'm staying at joey's house nw.
had hard time trying to satisfy her 2 princesses. oh mannn!! tough tough! more tough den doing maths..
she brought me for swensens ytd night @ vivo!! :D
and stupid ginelle wasted my money for wanting to sit on this ride they had over there. and she played for not even 30secs. zzz.
what an investment.... childrennnnnn~~~ zzz.
i'm so frigging happy tt i didnt see my eldest sis for a day. woooots. shiokkk! never been so happy before! seriouslyy.
nice bed, nice food here. WOOOOO what else can i ask for. it's machiam like holiday now. AHHAHA. lalala~~!
--
one more presentation. 2 retests and 3 exams paper and I AM DONE WITH YEAR 2 SEMESTER 1 ALREADYYYYY! :D
i am frigging happy!!! :DD
wish me all the best to pass EVERY SINGLE MODULES NOW! :D tyyy!:))))
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| it's useless wishing upon anything now. |
[06 Aug 2009|02:30am] |
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mood |
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what an irony. a happy-go-lucky girl is actually such a loser inside!
if(discriminations =< 1)
{ this.girl = vulgarities + insecurities;
this.girl != happy-go-lucky;}
else if(discriminations = 1)
{ this.girl = tolerance;}
else
{this.girl = happy;}
i think im going crazy with codings really soon. studying every day and every night is really killing me. burning mid night oil is still not my cup of tea YET. therefore i'm feeling really lethargic now!! ><
i just managed to finish my OOP project which contains THIRTY ONE errors!! ask me how i did it? idkkk! i just copy!! but intelligently! somehow it still cant work! TSKKK! what a stupid programmee!! i need a AI(highest technology) to do all these for me man!
unbelieveable tt im talking so much about technology ehh! im not used to it either!!
more to come mann! after i saw what i'm going to study in sem 2 this year, i just BLANKED out! my tiannn! what a course!:(
ytd is another bad day for me. sis is seriously a crazy being.
no wonder she and bro-in-law are married.
the other day, ely and rosanne came over. my bro in law called them house keepers because i was doing fucking lot of house chores that day! SIS FORCED ME TO OK! so annoyed!
not to mention my sis 虐待 me! she did NOT give my allowance for four days now! and for 6days, i survived on TWENTY DOLLARS! call me zai!! my dad refused to give me any money now as my SISTER asked him not to! what a sister. she sucks big time. seriously! if i knew, when joey asked me to go over her house tt day, i should have gone!! better den staying here with my insane sis!! she's sucha 黄脸婆! stay at home and nags about EVERYTHING! seriously is EVERYTHINGG! and she's freaking BIAS i tell you!! SHE WASHED HER OWN CLOTHES AND PICKED OUT MINE AND THREW ON THE DAMN FLOOR!! seriously what i did in my past life that i have to have sucha sister at home? siao one!! omgg i really cannot stand her. ytd night. i wanted to take a power nap before i study for my two tests today!! THE KAYPOH came into my room and woke me up from my sleeep! she was shouting "STUDY DON'T STUDY, SLEEP WHAT SLEEP!! ON THE COMPUTER FOR WHAT! ON AIRCON FOR WHAT." and on my lights and refused to off it when she left. WTH!! she's seriously going crazyyy!!!
haven mention!!! i took a TWO DOLLARS FROM THE DINING TABLE, and she came in the room wanting to slap me and told me i will nt have allowance for 4days! SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY I TELL YOU!!! i really cant stand her!! TWO DOLLARS. MAKING A FUSS OVER TWO DOLLARS!! TWO DOLLARS!! NOT TWO MILLIONSS! she's earning a 5 digit salary BUT YET, fussed over a TWO DOLLARS?
siao one luhh! i really cant stand this f-face!!! SCOLD ME WHENEVER I REACH HOME! she seriosuly gt nth to do man!!!!
don't go work, stay at home and scold people for nothing. NONSENSE! she can go die luhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
i DO NOT regard her as my sister now!! she's not worthy to be called as my sister. SIAOLANGGENG!
arghh! i really cant this home anymore. everyone is crazyyyy! bro-in-law ALWAYS disturb me when i'm eating. whatever i'm eating, he LOVES to SNATCH! SIAO ONE. very fun to snatch food from someone 20years younger den him?? CRAZY BITCHES!
tmr is a long day without money again!!! damn fed up!!! thankfully, cindy treat me ice tea with esther's pocky with love!
if not, i think i will die of hunger! seriously!!!
maybe i should faint once and get admitted to the hosp, den she's willing to give me allowance...
if tmr i still cant stand it, i will move over to joey's. who wants to live with such "human". she's not even worth calling a human! but a BEAST!
one last sentence.
IHATEJAZZIHATEJAZZIHATEJAZZIHATEJAZZIHATEJAZZ
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| powder ponder pounder |
[03 Aug 2009|11:04pm] |
sometimes i really wonder, what is my worth, really!
not that i am not happy with what i am now(though i'm a little). but it just make me wonder.
are all these...... what had happened, real? like are they really happening to me?
am i really 17 this year, going to be 18 soon?? what were i doing for my past 18 years of my life!
i was walking home today and somehow, when i tried to quieten down my head, heart and every part of me, i cant!
it's just too "noisy"!!
do you ever feel that before? even though there's no song playing on your headset, but yet, you kept hearing weird noises and sound?
i am encountering that right now.
what do you deem as the most important thing to you?
seriously, if you ask me now, other den friends, idk what else can i say.
studies? i suck at them. church? i screwed them up. home? i think i got not much comments.
sometimes, i really don understand what i'm thinking.
many times, weird thoughts came popping up to me. this is seriously crazyy.
often, i wonder, why i think so muchhhh!! this is seriously irritatingg!!
this explains why i got locks of white hair on my hair!!
i realised, the older you are, the more problems you are gna face.
as much as you want to escape from them, you cant.
so, what's the point of escaping from your problems??
my view? don even bother about escaping. just forget about it. forget all about it.
how i managed to? finding myself new things to get my mind and heart and every part of me busy with.
when i am busy, i will never think of these things. amazing huh?? this how i work i guess! many of the world's population too.
i had forgotten so many things now. i think, you will not want to be my next do you?
so many times, i hope i could really hide somewhere where no one can ever find me.
and many times, i failed.
i just need a little tinge of everything tgth.
for years, i only felt it once. and yes, once!
when i went home with YJC ppl with shihao and jf and weishan.
tts something which had been holding my smile where it is till now.
p/s. i hate ppl who are earning so much/rich but yet, they fuss over a $2! seriouslyy! i think they are the worst bunch of people.
suck ttm! and also, people who thought they are caring and nice when in actualy fact, they are not AT ALL!
PUIII!
and p/s/s. even the BEST fell down sometimes
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| prepare for a story-liked and wordy post |
[03 Aug 2009|02:19am] |
i felt relieved after a long shower todayy!
if you knw me, i never shower more den 5mins. but today, i took a 30mins bathe.
i just need to relax a little.
after so long of considerations, i finally mustered up my courage to send a particular sms. 9pages long as on my phone.
maybe it's really hard for me to move on from where i had done wrong.
so i do what a loser will do......... back out.
not to say i am a loser but i act like one. idk how to react to such circumstances. my mum didnt teach me you see...
she's not at home now actually.
personally, i think i am a very strong girl. i had actually endured for so long before i voice out.
reasons for me to love people? nope, i don need reasons to love them.
but why will i get upset easily? because they showed me how ungrateful human beings can get.
i get really upset. sometimes i just dont get them. people loved them, cared for them, yet they lied and ignored. when people stopped caring and loving, they think those people are just being mean.
maybe they should really think about it.
we are all human beings. we feel, sin, act harshly, love, care and do whatever a normal being will do.
i get disappointed with these people.
maybe............... i'm one of them too~~!
life still goes on. up and downs? they are normal. everyone faces them. nothing special actually.
but how people react too their ups and downs in life are different, some need even more encouragements to move on, some move on like it didnt happen, some just couldnt move on.
now... i'm faced with the first one and the last. i need encouragements to move on. but yet, when i got a lil dose of them, i cant move on.
some things are just to painful for us to take and endure tthrough.
people just don't understand the pain you are feeling no matter how much you explained to them.
many of the millions and millions of the world populations went through pain. i am not the only one. so are you!
different pains different story different background.
we cant find people and friends around us to make us feel better ALL THE TIME.
it's our choice...
now.... do you want to move on, or stay stagnant at where we are now?
many wants to move on.. but they all asked the same question, "how?"
i asked that many times too. countless.
how to move on? keep yourself busy witth other things, drink so much alcohol tt u forgot what happened, commit suicide or worst become introverted.
many things came and go in my life...
i still rememeber all of them even though i had moved on with my life.
no one can forget what happened before in their which hurt them so much, can they?
if i were a doctor, i would not invent pills for aids, cancer, influenza, high blood, diabetes but rather, i will invent a pill which will let you forget all your pain. all of them.
if i were a policeman, i would not just catch criminals, pickpockets, violaters, rioters, murderers or terrorists, but i would catch people who hurt one another and make them depress.
if i were a fireman, i would not just put out fire at houses, hdb, forest, roads, schools, office or market, but i would put out the fire burning in your heart when you delibrately got so flared up and want to make ppl sad.
if i were a teacher, i would not just teach you amaths, emaths, fmaths, cmaths, physics, chemistry, biology, literature or lannguages, i would rather teach you how to mend someone's brokenness and heal them so they could move on.
if i were a businessman, i will not just knw abt accounts, market rates but i would knw the rates of heartbroken ppl and try to save them.
idkk. i am a complicated being. i got thousands of thoughts running through my brains every second. many thoughts. so far, no one can say they fully understood me. it's just not something for you to understand and know.
maybe God did make me a special being. weak in IQ but not in EQ.
sometimes, i think i am too sensitive to people around me that i became over sensitive!
i need to stop it. it's just not right.
trust me, i am not crazy, emo or trying to gain attention.
idk why and how i could type out all these... but i just did.
maybe it's just time for me to run.
please dont say that you knw me well when you don't.
there's so much in my life that you dono about and might not knw about.
i had enough of craps in my life. they forced me to change. from good to bad and to good and back to bad.
sins to confess.
i lied 80% of the time now. and i scold vulgarities in 6/10 sentences i spoke.
i see things differently. trust me, i see everyone with a motive... bad ones.
you just cant trust them you knw!
and hey, i love to change what i can now.... before i cant.
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[02 Aug 2009|12:55am] |
if my heart has grown cold, there your love will unfold
as you open my eyes to the work of Your hand
when im blind to my pay there Your spirit will pray as You open my eyes to work of Your hands
present sufferieng may pass, Lord Your mercy will last
as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
and my heart will find praise i delight in Your ways as You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
==
ahhhhh!! i was chatting online and listening to Oceans will part and chatting to billy about how God works in really cool ways.
all of a sudden, i started tearing.. i just feel so embraced suddenly...
i miss God presence alot!! :( i have not been worshipping and reading bible and etc regularly. bt recently had been starting to. a lil by a lil.
gna start reading proverbs!! did i mention before, my favourite book in the bible is Proverbs? :)
lemme rant a lil before i fall asleep tonight!
i was locked at home today! literally. sis locked a new lock at the main door and confiscated my keys.
and i just realised, it's not tt my parents didnt give me allowance, but it was her who took all my money away!
i don understand someone who lived for 30 plus years and is a finance MANAGER of Tuas Power and YET take MY ALLOWANCE AWAY! have she earn not enough money?? damnn! i am so pisseddd!! seriouslyyyy! OMGG! so what am i suppose to survive with now! damn annoyinggggggggggg!!! i really hate herr!! seriouslyy!!
i will NEVER EVER forget how she hit, whacked and pinched me when i was little!! i can never forget!! NEVER! and the scar i alway see all over my bodyyy!! some even bleed!!! it's really painful!! very painful! reallyy! will you trust me if i say i can still rmb how much it hurts?
am i really that unloveable?? i even remember, it was my first few days in K2. and i haven learn how to wear my socks, those really long socks. i went into my sis room and asked for help, my sis asked her bf to help me. but her bf rejected and didnt want to help me wear.
and i still rmb, another incident. my sis bought me a storybook(which is still with me) when someone came to promote door to door. i tot she will read to me since idk alot of words. but she expected me to read one whole story before i can eat. and whacked me when i read wrongly! you knw how painful it is?? it's really very painful! since young i have to go her way. my good results can never satisfy her. my bad results made her wna ground me! idk wat i can do.
i still rmb another incident. i wanted to learn piano when i was 5. how many 5 year old will tell you what they want to learn? my mum say i will lose interest eventually. my sister say it's useless for me to learn.
me thorwing all the canes downstairs. and hiding all the canes.
hid in the toilet and bring in my pillows and blanket and slept there simply because im scared they might whack me again.
hold on to Teddy and cried and cried and cried.
was so scared tt whenever i shower, i will bring my dog in with me to shower so they wont whack me.
another. how she whacked me so badly tt i just cried and cried in my room behind the door and mumbled to myself "no one loves me" for 1 2hours. you knw how bad it felt? idk why bt i suddenly recalled all these incidents and i really hate it when i cry!! cause it will be unstoppable!
idk how to stand now. properly. i had done too much wrong things!! too many. countless. i really dono what good i am.
i'm sorry now. for i cant stop crying for wat is the past.
i really have no security at home.
i can even recall now, how my dad FIRST hit me with his belt when i said i don wan to go out to find my mum with him!
will anyone please talk to me now??
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[01 Aug 2009|02:24pm] |
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i hate the feeling of being locked up!! TSKKK!
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[30 Jul 2009|12:08am] |
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me hate trojan horse!!
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