prepare for a story-liked and wordy post
i felt relieved after a long shower todayy!
if you knw me, i never shower more den 5mins. but today, i took a 30mins bathe.
i just need to relax a little.
after so long of considerations, i finally mustered up my courage to send a particular sms. 9pages long as on my phone.
maybe it's really hard for me to move on from where i had done wrong.
so i do what a loser will do......... back out.

not to say i am a loser but i act like one. idk how to react to such circumstances. my mum didnt teach me you see...
she's not at home now actually.

personally, i think i am a very strong girl. i had actually endured for so long before i voice out. 
reasons for me to love people? nope, i don need reasons to love them.
but why will i get upset easily? because they showed me how ungrateful human beings can get.
i get really upset. sometimes i just dont get them. people loved them, cared for them, yet they lied and ignored. when people stopped caring and loving, they think those people are just being mean.
maybe they should really think about it. 
we are all human beings. we feel, sin, act harshly, love, care and do whatever a normal being will do. 
i get disappointed with these people.
maybe............... i'm one of them too~~!

life still goes on. up and downs? they are normal. everyone faces them. nothing special actually.
but how people react too their ups and downs in life are different, some need even more encouragements to move on, some move on like it didnt happen, some just couldnt move on.
now... i'm faced with the first one and the last. i need encouragements to move on. but yet, when i got a lil dose of them, i cant move on.

some things are just to painful for us to take and endure tthrough.
people just don't understand the pain you are feeling no matter how much you explained to them.
many of the millions and millions of the world populations went through pain. i am not the only one. so are you!
different pains different story different background.

we cant find people and friends around us to make us feel better ALL THE TIME.
it's our choice...
now.... do you want to move on, or stay stagnant at where we are now?

many wants to move on.. but they all asked the same question, "how?"
i asked that many times too. countless.
how to move on? keep yourself busy witth other things, drink so much alcohol tt u forgot what happened, commit suicide or worst become introverted.
many things came and go in my life...
i still rememeber all of them even though i had moved on with my life.
no one can forget what happened before in their which hurt them so much, can they?

if i were a doctor, i would not invent pills for aids, cancer, influenza, high blood, diabetes but rather, i will  invent a pill which will let you forget all your pain. all of them.
if i were a policeman, i would not just catch criminals, pickpockets, violaters, rioters, murderers or terrorists, but i would catch people who hurt one another and make them depress.
if i were a fireman, i would not just put out fire at houses, hdb, forest, roads, schools, office or market, but i would put out the fire burning in your heart when you delibrately got so flared up and want to make ppl sad.
if i were a teacher, i would not just teach you amaths, emaths, fmaths, cmaths, physics, chemistry, biology, literature or lannguages, i would rather teach you how to mend someone's brokenness and heal them so they could move on.
if i were a businessman, i will not just knw abt accounts, market rates but i would knw the rates of heartbroken ppl and try to save them.

idkk. i am a complicated being. i got thousands of thoughts running through my brains every second. many thoughts. so far, no one can say they fully understood me. it's just not something for you to understand and know.
maybe God did make me a special being. weak in IQ but not in EQ.

sometimes, i think i am too sensitive to people around me that i became over sensitive!
i need to stop it. it's just not right.

trust me, i am not crazy, emo or trying to gain attention.
idk why and how i could type out all these... but i just did.
maybe it's just time for me to run.

please dont say that you knw me well when you don't.
there's so much in my life that you dono about and might not knw about.
i had enough of craps in my life. they forced me to change. from good to bad and to good and back to bad.

sins to confess.
i lied 80% of the time now. and i scold vulgarities in 6/10 sentences i spoke.
i see things differently. trust me, i see everyone with a motive... bad ones.
you just cant trust them you knw!
and hey, i love to change what i can now.... before i cant.